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Cave Dweller

Cave Dweller

I used to think that being alone
was unbearable,
but now that I’ve pushed almost
every single person I’ve ever held dear
away from me,
I really don’t think it’s that bad

And if you think this is a cry for help
then you’re a moron,
because I may be alone
but I’ve also never felt quite as free
you know, like that one Johnny Hobo
song where he talks about screaming his
heart out to nobody while overdosing on heroin,
except I’m not overdosing on heroin because
I hate needles and I’m busy
treating my computer screen better than I
have any human on planet earth

It gets lonely sometimes, but it isn’t so bad
there’s a lot of things I can do alone that
I simply can’t do when accompanied by other people
You know,
like opening Instagram for the sixth
time in three minutes because my form
of catharsis is watching other people go to
scenic places and live eventful lives,
or scrolling through Youtube trying
to find a murder documentary you haven’t
watched before to prove that you are indeed a
terrible person,
but not as sick as the inhumane glance of a creature
that killed for absolutely no reason
I keep telling myself that I actually
get a lot of messages and I’m not receiving
them because the Canadian government is
just looking out for my ego
I get excited when I hear the vibration
of my cellular device reverberating
off of a flat surface but the brief
rush of dopamine leaves my body when
I see its from a family member,
when is it ever not a family member

All of these games look the same
to me
the movement of my mouse
has just become an addition to my
monotonous routine of trying to
spark something in my brain to induce
sometimes I think I want to
play a game but then I’ll sit there
for thirty minutes contemplating
the destruction of my life in the hands
of the main character

You haven’t been around lately,
so I’ve resorted to dragging my feet
on the rug so intensely that the lined
skin above my heel has smoothed
out like those rocks the girls with coloured
hair and daddy issues like to
pray to as if they’re Christians
drinking watered down wine
thinking it is the blood of God
I tell myself that if I can’t get into
honors that it’ll be the day I finally
get my driver’s license and go
way up North into the Yukon and
become some deadbeat fisherman
that doesn’t wash his ass
and beats off to the voices in his head

I tell myself that once I’m done with
college I’ll take some plane out of here
because there’s nothing left in this city
anymore but broken bonds and the people
who I’ve indirectly hurt by pricking
their skin with a pencil, accidentally
mistaking them for a sheet of paper

You know, I’m just waiting for something
cool to happen so I can stop
masturbating to retro roller rink competitions
not in an attempt to pleasure myself,
but to kill time- instead of myself

Sorry, my bad, that one was kind
of insensitive
but, I think there are things that
are more insensitive
like, you know
there’s a reason why Calgary locked
up all of the train station shelters
during the winter time in 2021
there’s a reason why Boris plants
borders on the train tracks over in
London even though they share the same
purpose as a bandaid on a broken leg
or a sign saying “haha, please don’t kill
yourself haha”
There’s a reason why all of those hippies
got beat until their faces were black and blue
and their remnants were smeared across the pavement
back in the counterculture movement of 1968
There’s a reason why shootings are named
instead of children
There’s a reason why the goblins in
Harry Potter look the way they do
and Hitler is just sad he never got to
pick up a copy

Sometimes I feel like walking up to the
presentation stand in the middle of a lecture
and ripping the monitor out of the socket
in the desk and throwing it across the room
so it shatters in an industrial mess against the
styrofoam coloured wall, but that would make
me a massive hypocrite because I love my
machine so I hope someday I stop finding
videogames fun so I can stop lying to everyone
including myself

I say all of this but I’ve been trying
my hardest to not loathe everything I see
I walk up the stairs in the train shelter
and I try not to let the sadness get
to me as I pass the two Indigenous folk
nestled together in a corner
nodding out to the rhythm of their own hearts
there was a traffic jam today on the bridge
from Cranston to Stoney Trail and I tried
not to throw up as I saw a cop cruiser parked
behind an abandoned mini van conveniently
placed next to the railing of the bridge
I’ve been trying not to blame myself for
everything even though it is my fault,
and the people who I used to be able to
look in the eye I can’t anymore but some
middle aged lady on Youtube said the easiest
way to get rid of guilt is to make a choice and
I’m sorry but I choose me
I like me, even when I’m not supposed to
I’ve been trying all my life not to
like me, and maybe that’s the problem

I think I’m ready to stop spending so much time
in my room and ranting about how much
everything around me sucks
I guess right now I’m just looking for
something, someone, to wipe the boredom
right off my face