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The Heartbreakers Guide to a Whirlwind Romance

The Heartbreakers Guide to a Whirlwind Romance

Welcome fresh unmolded mind. If you decided to pick up this book it probably means you’re lonely, young, and too naive to know what’s good for you. If that’s the case, then you’re already in a great position to be starting your whirlwind romance!

Now before we continue on much further, remember that what you’re interested in here is not a happily-ever-after. Instead you want passion, you want fre, you want a desire so bright and so intense that it will singe your eyebrows and leave you weak in the knees. You want the kind of romance that only appears in movies, specifcally the ones you have to lie about your age in order to get a ticket to or get past the frewall. Remember, you will walk away from this with a couple of scars, probably double the emotional baggage you had before you started, and a not inconsiderable amount of trauma that will require at least some therapy in order to resolve! Of course that’s only

if you do it wrong. If you get this right then you can turn all of that cannon fodder for counselors into an emotional sob story you can use to guilt trip lovers into “falling” for you (of course when we say falling for you we are specifcally referring to their underwear) like it was fy paper at a street food vendors. But that’s enough preamble, let’s get to what really brought you to this book. Get ready to ignite your passion!

Step 1: The Meeting

The Eyes of the Sea

The ocean lives within her eyes.

Those two precious pearls

Rainbows of sea colors hinting at the beauty she held,

The calm blue sea fused with raging gray storms,

They enthrall you like the currents.

The rip tide pulling you down under, farther and farther below the surface

Until you are drowning,

You are drowning but content.

Oh what glorious a death for us brave Sailors.

To drown in the eyes of the sea.

This is where it all begins. The moment when from across the room you lock eyes with a goddess. The moment where time stops, your vision gets a pink tint around the edges and your vision tunnels. You can feel your heart beating within your chest and you’re not sure if your ribs are strong enough to keep it from popping right out. That moment where the world around you disappears and you see nothing other than the other person and you think to yourself, Wow, I wanna hit that. It’s a truly beautiful moment, it’s the moment where your Whirlwind Romance begins.

There are only a few criteria which your meeting must fulfll if you want to properly kick off this romance. The frst is spontaneity; your meeting can’t have been preplanned. The frst time you lay eyes on each other it must be completely by surprise. Even if you know of this other person, maybe they are a friend of a friend, or they are your best friend’s cousin, no matter what that spontaneity is key! This element allows you to claim that it was fate that brought you together. Destiny, God, or the Stars are also acceptable alternatives depending on your inclination. Whichever it is though you must be able to credit your meeting to some otherworldly means. This will help elevate the platform from which you can “fall” in love. Remember, if you don’t reach terminal velocity before you hit the ground, there’s a chance impact won’t kill you!

Now I know I said this meeting had to be unplanned and spontaneous, and while that is true, there must be certain criteria met beforehand if you want this to work. The most important one of these is to make sure your last relationship ended properly, and by that I mean poorly. Poorly enough that you are suffciently emotionally unstable and not fully prepared to re-enter the dating world. For example, you could have your partner cheat on you and fnd out when one of her friends asks about the date your partner went on with another girl while you all are getting ready to go to a party later that night so you can immediately try to drown out the pain through meaningless and purely carnal hookups with that one person you know who has no respect for themselves or you and even less self control or boundaries. Or you might try receiving a brain injury at the one rugby game your girlfriend can come to, then while in recovery and suffering from the side effects such as mood swings and fts of newly onset depression (it helps if this is the catalyzing event for said depression so you have absolutely zero coping skills or strategies for how to handle these new feelings), have your partner tell you that she no longer love you, and that the last month of dating has felt more like a chore done out of obligation than a labor of love. But I digress, the point is you should be emotionally destroyed and completely unprepared for a new intense relationship.

Once you are good and emotionally vulnerable, start dating around as much as possible. By the time you meet the person with whom you will be starting your

whirlwind romance you should have at least two viable options for healthy, stable and loving relationships with people that share similar interests and values that you need to reject for this newfound infatuation. This rejection can be done through a variety of methods such as ghosting, an “I’m not really looking for anything serious” text message, scapegoating them in a fght that you instigate to justify the guilt you feel at having strung them along for so long, or by simply continuing to string them along as a fall back plan while starting your new romance.

With these two conditions met, your meeting should feel like a divinely appointed meeting between two star crossed lovers, still hurting from past heartbreaks, and seeking refuge and security in the arms of their new found infatuations.

Step 2: The Not-So-Much-Talking Phase

My Own Fault

My brain and my heart

Sat face to face

And brain said don’t do it,

It’s going to hurt

And heart replied,

But it’s her.

And not even the brain could argue with that.

Much like this stage, I’m going to skip the preamble and jump right to the heart of the matter. It is crucially important, vitally important, indescribably important that as soon as Step One is complete, or during step one if you’re really good, that you make physical contact in some sort of suggestive or titillating manner with the other person for long enough to make anyone else in the immediate vicinity extraordinarily uncomfortable.

Now you might be thinking, “Why is this contact so important, Mr. Heartbreaker?” Well I’ll tell you dear reader, the purpose of this physical contact is to convey to the other person, “I am down bad for anything and everything you want to do to me as soon as you want to do it!” But remember, we’re trying to build a romance here, not just a one night stand. So at the same time as you’re professing how lustfully you want this new found person, you also need to give them a cold shoulder so they know that you’re different. They already have any number of people they can text if all they wanted was a N.C.M.O. (Non Committal Make Out). You are different from those people, you are after romantic passion and all of the emotional devastation that goes

along with wearing your heart on your oh so bare sleeve. So remember, put out, but don’t let them put in.

That isn’t to say that you won’t be locking lips as soon as physically, and to a lesser extent socially, possible. In fact talking is the least common activity you’ll be using your underdeveloped mouth muscles for in this stage. Nevertheless it is important that while coming up for air, all the words which you do speak to your new inphatuation be dripping in lust, Shakespeare (or some other oratory master like Drake, Lilwayne, or Akon and David Guetta), and self deprecating teenage angst. The thicker you lay on this honey like mixture, the sweeter and more suave you’ll appear.

Step 3: Making it Official (aka, The Jump)

The Edge

And so he fell,

Into that great unknown.

Afraid to hit the bottom,

Hoping he never would…

Now this may seem like a trivial or inconsequential step, but in fact it becomes very important later on when each of you has drawn up their own arbitrary boundaries of what is and is not suitable behavior in a closed relationship. Using the labels of Boyfriend and Girlfriend now also make it much more damaging when in step 6 you are reduced down to booty calls again whenever one of you is lonely, horny, has an hour or so to kill, in need of someone to dirty text when you don’t have anything else to do, or even just bored and in the area… But more on that later.

Making it offcial is a bit of a process, and to make it even more impactful, make it offcial after a big fght, or even better give the other person an ultimatum/conditions they must meet in order for you to start dating. You can make that even sweeter if you don’t tell the other person that the ultimatum or conditions exist until after you’ve made an exception and have been dating for a month or so.

Like I said, it’s a process, but when you do it right you can effectively erase the struggles or hardships that came before it. Doing so will wipe them from your collective memory, for a little while at least, making it so you never have to come to any sort of actual resolution about the argument or the betrayal of trust that comes when you fnd out the other person has been hooking up with some random dude for the past few months after school and late at night while you guys have been in steps 1 and 2 up until the day that you make it offcial. Quite literally taking a break in the middle of the conversation you two were having over text where you were planning to make it offcial

to make out with this skinny little crater faced curly haired loser who thinks he’s hot stuff cause he has a twitter account, then coming back and saying, “yes, I want to be your girlfriend. I was actually gonna stop talking to you if you didn’t ask me soon.”

Poof! Suddenly all of that is gone if you can do this step correctly!

Step 4: Dating (aka, Down The Rabbit Hole)

The Fall

And as he kept on falling down

He felt the walls close in

And knew that time was running out

But he kept falling with a grin.

This is by far the most complicated of all the steps in this guide to a whirlwind romance, and as such I have decided to separate it into multiple sections for ease of understanding.

Part A) The Honeymoon Phase

During this part of your romance you get to forget about all the diffculties you’ve already faced just getting to the starting line. So take a break from all of that! It’s hard work creating the perfect whirlwind romance and you guys deserve a second to just chill out and just get in some good unadulterated heavy petting. As such, this is a time just overfowing with raw animal physicality, the voluntary ignorance of any and all perceived diffculties, and the subconscious recording and fling away of all these “little inconveniences” (some people call them “Red Flags”). It helps a lot if during this time you take up the hobby of poetry or some other sappy creative outlet that can be preserved much like the old photos your mom used to embarrass you when you introduced your new partner to them. And yes that does mean you will be meeting each other’s parents. But taking up such a practice ensures that you properly document these times which are so superfcially superb. They also double as an excellent source of fuel for the ragefully impassioned fre we will use to let the ashes of this romance continue to burn in Step 6.

Part B) The Deadline

A great man once said that “all good things must come to an end.” He was specifcally referring to romances when he wrote that mid-coutis with the unnamed lover he had taken while on a trip away from his overbearing and nagging wife. And his

words have most defnitely withstood the test of time, continuing to ring true in the ears of every heartbreaker, past, present and future.

So far everything about your relationship has been emphatically exciting and not even a little bit concerning, the only thing missing is the ending! That looming sense of dread that follows those whose days are numbered. The kind of feeling I’m sure Tim McGraw had when he wrote Live Like You Were Dying. Now I know that it sounds kind of scary, and you’re not really sure if your little heart can take that much pressure to make every single moment the best ever because for all you know it could be the last time you guys do (Insert activity here) together as an actual loving couple. But trust me when I tell you that it works out to your advantage.

The benefts of the Deadline are twofold, number one being that it helps to push you even farther outside of the normal bounds you have set for what you will and won’t do in a relationship so far that your past morals are nothing but a distant memory of a line you could barely make out fading into the horizon where the sinking sun was setting behind you. You’ll be able to adopt the “if not now then when?” sort of mentality that you need if you really want to suck every last droplet of sweet milk from the bulging teat that is your whirlwind romance. A pro tip for this part, it helps if this is your frst time doing a lot of these in real life and not just in your dark and twisted fantasies you’re scared to even admit to yourself that you’re into. It sets you up perfectly to have more Whirlwind Romances later on down the road once this one has fizzled out. If it isn’t your first time, and especially if it is, then it really helps if you want this person to be your last time as well. It turns the sap and passion meter all the way up to eleven!

The other beneft to the deadline is that it gives you a clear and well defned day when you no longer are dating and move into the gray void in between friend and lover I like to call the “Hey You Up?” Zone. Having this date preplanned gives you something concrete you can choose to ignore like a piano dangling from an increasingly fraying string that hangs over your heads like characters in a cartoon until it starts falling and you smash through it while a large goose egg slowly pops up from the top of your head with comedic speed. But in all seriousness, you’ve found your scapegoat! You aren’t breaking up because the distance between you two has been growing into an uncrossable gorge to which there is no bottom except an entrance to the dreaded pit of Tartarus. You aren’t breaking up because you two really don’t have anything in common and mostly just made out a ton when you were together and every bit of your relationship was based on physical attraction and not mutual interests, shared values, and similar goals for the future. You aren’t even breaking up because she continuously thinks about it every day, or because that same dude she was making out with beforehand keeps making moves and trying to “score, even with a goalie.” No, none of those reasons are the real reason why you have to break up this beautiful budding romance that only got six short months to try and sprout into a luscious and plentiful garden. That little bit of nastiness gets left to the Deadline. The mystical and powerful, divinely appointed, written in the stars, “I want to have the full college experience and not be tied down to anyone or anything,” Deadline that isn’t anybody’s fault except God and the Universe’s.

Step 5: The Breakup (aka, The Broken Parachute)

The Bottom

He knew the bottom was coming close

But he did not fear that free fall’s end

Because he knew that even still

He could climb back up, and jump again

I’m not going to lie to you, this step is not super fun. But it does have its upsides, so make sure you’re looking for the silver linings on these encroaching cumulonimbi. The actual breakup itself is going to be messy, lots of ugly crying and angsty screaming at God for being unfair. But that’s the passion we want to see coming out in every step of this relationship! It’s not called a Whirlwind for nothing! If you don’t end up with your proverbial roof ripped off, glass panes shattered, driveway fooded, car overturned

after the hurricane of ecstasy and lust you just went through, then you didn’t do it right! Just remember it isn’t your fault and it isn’t theirs either, even though it was her who said she wanted to break up when she went to college. That’s fne. It saved you the trouble of coming up with the reasoning instead! Make sure you’re at least prepared with some tissues, maybe an extra sweater you don’t wear anymore for them to keep as a constant reminder of your time together. Who knows maybe one day she will give it to some random who’s spending the night and needs a sweater to wear. He’s gonna wonder who’s sweater that really is and ruin his chances of coming back a second time, and she might look at it and think of you instead while she’s necking this nobody. But I digress.

There is a list of things you should make sure happens during your break up to make it as empassioned as you possibly can. First, spend a nice weekend together the days leading up to the predetermined date when she drives off to college. At the beginning of the weekend, make sure you say and both agree that you aren’t going to think about or discuss the upcoming unpleasantries until the hour before you need to actually leave. Second, fll this trip, get away, or even just a series of dates with all manner of activities you have done before and loved, or new experiences because you know it’s your last chance to do any of these things together so you better make sure you tick everything off that bucket list before D-Day! Of course you still never mention that fact and must continue to deny the end is nigh at least outwardly the entire time.

Third, there is an exception to the frst two, and that is of course late at night when you’re supposed to be sleeping and instead are in the throes of passionate fondling and face sucking. This is the only acceptable time to lament to each other about the impending doom of your relationship, because you can easily distract the other person by just continuing to suck face with renewed vigor and a passion driven by despair and agony. Fourth, when the time eventually does come for you two to doff the honorary titles with which you have adorned this relationship thus far, make sure that you frst reiterate the undying and unwavering nature of the love which you two share. Make sure to tell them that there will never be another like them, and that they will always hold your heart. Drip every word into their ear like sweet syrupy molasses as you two lock the doors of your car one last time to steam up the windows as an offcial couple. Then, the ffth and fnal step in this process is reserved for the ending. The actual part when you walk away from each other and no longer are one. You must do it exactly like this.

Look them in the eyes, tell them you love them with all your soul, make sure you do so through stifed sobs so you still look strong in the face of such unbearable emotion. When they lock their sparkling, tear flled, red ringed, fush faced, big eyes with yours, and they say they love you too, whisper, forever, and then wait for them to whisper always. Then, and this part is crucial, if they try to say the words “good bye” or anything to that end, place a fnger on their lips and say,

“No, there will never be a goodbye for us, my love.” Then lean your head ninety degrees to the right as they lean theirs ten to the left, let your eyes slowly close and kiss them with every jot and tittle of passion you have ever felt for them in your entire life, bundle it all up as you gently caress the back of their head and neck, hold it frmly with a gentle hand, place your other on their hip and pull them close right at the apex of the moment. Then let your muscles relax and your grip go from frm back to a caress, then let go as you kiss them one last time. And then before they can open their eyes, turn and walk away, do it so they don’t have to, and don’t look back. Whatever you do, don’t look back until you are in your car and the engine has started its familiar purr, then look back. Make eye contact one more time, and smile with all of the warmth, love, and passion that a mother feels for her newborn child. Now turn, and drive away.

Feel free to use this time once you are out of eyesight, or maybe just barely still within it, to yell and scream and curse and generally explode all over the inside of your car as you start your long journey back home as a newly single individual. Don’t worry too much though, we will text them again in a week or so.

Step 6: The Afterburner

Love Language

When I met you we spoke Latin,

And I fell for your French poems.

We whispered Spanish love songs,

And listened to the Italians speak of life,

And now we sit in silence.

It’s been a week or so now and we have been feeling pretty miserable thus far. That’s just a side effect of the Whirlwind Romance, but that’s what you signed up for isn’t it? Don’t worry too much about that ever encroaching fgure we call depression, they are just here to watch out for us for a bit. Right now you might be thinking, “Mr.

Heartbreaker, isn’t it over? Haven’t our hearts been broken yet? Could there possibly be any more?”

To which I would reply, “Of course not, silly! There are still a few strands holding those two throbbing halves of a heart together, and we aren’t the kind of people to leave something unfnished are we?” So let’s discuss how we can sever those last few heartstrings in our usual style of passion, famboyance, and a not negligible amount of emotional damage!

The frst thing you need to do is send a simple and non threatening text message. Something simple yet sweet such as, “Hey! Just wanted to see how things were going for you your frst week on your own? Hope you’re loving your new life! Miss

you!” And then just wait for their response. Spark up a small conversation, make it feel like you’re both old and divorced and want to reconnect with an old highschool fame, just to see how they’re doing. Maybe you can wonder at what could have been back then, but no, you’ve accepted now that life has changed and things have happened and you can’t take those things back. Don’t worry that won’t last long.

As soon as you two have been talking long enough to feel fun, friendly and slightly firtatious again, tell them just how much you really have been missing them. How much it hurts to not be able to say I love you anymore, and how you’d give anything just to be able to tell them how you really feel and not have to hide it anymore for the sake of acting like things are better now than they were before. If, and this really is the testing point for your entire romance leading up to this point, they reply in the affrmative, mirroring all the same things you have said, then you have offcially made a successful Whirlwind Romance.

But it doesn’t stop there, oh no no no. Now you get to bask in the glory of being the ex they can’t get over, the one who they keep coming back to for purely carnal reasons whenever they need you, and not be used for your body at all. You’ve won, my friend. You’ve earned the title, Mr. Heartbreaker Jr.


Well my friend, you’ve done it. You have survived the torment and torture that is love in its purest most unabashed and untamed form. Your eyes have been opened to the harsh and cruel reality that nobody will ever care about you and that true fairytale love doesn’t exist at all. I hope you’re happy now. I hope it was worth it. I hope the constant ache in your chest never goes away and you die miserably. Your Whirlwind Romance was a complete success, and you are now well practiced in the art of Heartbreaking. You deserve everything you have coming to you. But make sure to keep this book around, because the only real way to keep the crushing realization that you’re a monster who purposefully ruins their own relationships just to continue feeling like you have any modicum of control over your own life and you aren’t just living in a world that will continue to spin long after you’ve disappeared from its face at bay, is by starting this whole process over! You can use this guide no matter what stage of life you are in. Whether you want a weekend fing with all the passion and romance of a lifelong love, or you want to elevate that platform you jump from to soaring new heights by running headlong into a fully fedged marriage with kids, assets, and alimony which will all need to be settled messily in divorce court. No matter what the principles and practices you have learned in this absolutely 100% legitimate guide will help you continue to break hearts across generations and continents. If you ever feel yourself slipping and need an addition to the Old Testament of Wisdom that is The Heartbreakers Guide to a Whirlwind Romance, then make sure you look up my other

titles. If you’re young and looking to make the most out of early adolescent life, then look for: The Heartbreakers Guide to the Perfect One Night Stand: How to get her, and her friend, out of those slutty dresses and into your unwashed sheets. For those who choose the marriage route later on in life, check out: The Heartbreakers Guide to a Whirlwind Marriage: Third Times a Charm! And its partner work: The Heartbreakers Guide to a Whirlwind Divorce: An absolutely 100% legitimate and super serious guide to making the most of your sunset years.